Preparing for an anniversary you didn’t choose
Thinking ahead to significant dates, and what you might need on the day.
Before you readThis article talks about pregnancy loss. Read at your own pace, and stop whenever you need to.
Some dates arrive whether we are ready or not: the day of a loss, a due date, the anniversary of a scan or a goodbye. For many people, the days leading up to a significant date can feel heavier than the day itself.
There is no right way to mark these dates, and no obligation to mark them at all. Thinking ahead, if and when you want to, can simply give you a little more choice about how the day feels.
Noticing the dates that matter to you
Significant dates aren’t always the obvious ones. Alongside anniversaries and due dates, you might find that a season, a holiday, a family celebration or another person’s pregnancy announcement brings feelings to the surface.
It can help to note down the dates you expect to be harder, so they don’t take you by surprise.
There is no right way to mark these dates, and no obligation to mark them at all.
Thinking about what you might need
You might like to ask yourself a few gentle questions ahead of time:
- Would I rather be with people, or have some time on my own?
- Do I want to work as usual, or take the day off if I can?
- Is there a small way I’d like to remember, or would I prefer the day to pass quietly?
- Who, if anyone, would I like to know that this day matters to me?
Sharing plans with the people around you
If you share the date with a partner, you may want different things from it. One of you might want to talk while the other wants distraction. Saying this out loud beforehand can ease pressure on the day.
If you’d like friends or family to check in, it’s fine to tell them so. It’s also fine to ask for space.
Letting the day be what it is
However carefully you prepare, the day may feel different from what you expected: harder, easier or simply strange. That doesn’t mean your plans failed.
Afterwards, you might notice what helped and what didn’t, so that next time you have a little more to draw on.
The Aube teamWe’re creating Aube as a gentle, personal space for anyone finding their way after pregnancy loss.
This article is for reflection only. It is not medical advice and does not replace support from a doctor, midwife, counsellor or other qualified professional.
