When partners grieve differently
Two people can share a loss and still experience it in very different ways.
Before you readThis article talks about pregnancy loss. Read at your own pace, and stop whenever you need to.
When a pregnancy ends, both partners can be deeply affected, yet the way each person feels and copes may look quite different. One may want to talk, the other may go quiet. One may want to return to routine, the other may need to slow down.
These differences are common, and they don’t mean one person cares more than the other. This article is for couples and partners of any gender, whoever carried the pregnancy.
Why grief can look so different
People bring different histories, hopes and ways of coping to a loss. The person who was pregnant may also be navigating physical recovery, while their partner may feel their own grief is overlooked or that they need to stay strong.
Neither experience is more valid. Both deserve room.
These differences are common, and they don’t mean one person cares more than the other.
Making space for each other
It can help to talk about how you each prefer to be supported. You might try:
- asking “what would help today?” rather than guessing
- agreeing that it’s fine to need different things at different times
- setting aside a little time to check in, without pressure to resolve anything
When one of you wants to talk and the other doesn’t
Wanting to talk and wanting to be quiet can both be ways of caring. It may help to find a middle ground: a short conversation at a set time, writing something down for each other, or simply being in the same room.
If conversations keep becoming difficult, some couples find it helps to talk with a counsellor who understands pregnancy loss.
Remembering you are on the same side
Grieving differently can sometimes feel like grieving apart. It may help to remember that you share the loss, even if you carry it in your own ways.
There’s no need to match each other’s pace. Being honest and kind about where you each are is often enough.
The Aube teamWe’re creating Aube as a gentle, personal space for anyone finding their way after pregnancy loss.
This article is for reflection only. It is not medical advice and does not replace support from a doctor, midwife, counsellor or other qualified professional.
