Setting boundaries with well-meaning family and friends
Naming what you need, and what you don’t, when others want to help.
Before you readThis article talks about pregnancy loss. Read at your own pace, and stop whenever you need to.
After a loss, the people around you may want to help but not always know how. Some offers of support feel comforting. Others, however kindly meant, can feel intrusive, rushed or simply not what you need.
Setting boundaries isn’t about pushing people away. It’s about letting them know how to be with you right now.
Noticing what feels helpful and what doesn’t
You might find that certain questions, comments or visits leave you feeling drained, while others leave you feeling held. Paying attention to the difference can help you decide what to ask for.
Your needs may change from week to week, and that’s fine.
Setting boundaries isn’t about pushing people away.
Ways to say what you need
You don’t owe anyone a long explanation. Short, clear phrases can help, such as:
- “Thank you for asking. I’m not ready to talk about it yet.”
- “It would really help if you could check in by message rather than calling.”
- “I’d love to see you, but I’d rather we didn’t talk about the pregnancy today.”
- “Please use our baby’s name. It means a lot to hear it.”
When comments hurt
Sometimes people say things that are meant to comfort but hurt instead. You can choose whether to respond, change the subject or step away. You don’t have to correct anyone if you don’t have the energy.
If a relationship matters to you, you might decide to explain later, when you feel ready.
Letting boundaries change
A boundary you set now doesn’t have to last forever. As time passes, you may want more contact, or less. It’s fine to update people as your needs change.
Looking after yourself in this way is not selfish. It can make it easier to stay close to the people who matter.
The Aube teamWe’re creating Aube as a gentle, personal space for anyone finding their way after pregnancy loss.
This article is for reflection only. It is not medical advice and does not replace support from a doctor, midwife, counsellor or other qualified professional.
